Full Retard
by djewellz
Summary: Who's the strongest captain in the Thirteen Court Guard Squads? And why? It's certainly not for the reasons you'd think!


**Title:** Full Retard  
**Word Count: **2,060  
**Genre**: Humor  
**Rating**: T - language, mild sexual innuendos  
**Time Frame: **After Aizen's imprisonment, before the final arc has started  
**Pairings:** None, really; some mild Rangiku/Shuhei, but nothing major

**Wow. Long time, no see, eh? Haven't been into fan fiction since I got to college four years ago, and now that I've graduate - BOOM! - I want back in? Right as my favorite series is winding down? *sob* Anyways. I plan on revamping a bunch of my completed stories and reposting them after some editing (see my profile for more information). But in the meantime, I got the idea for this!**

**This is what happens when you were watching Bleach with your husband (he's new to the series) all day, and Tropic Thunder comes on at night. **

**BY THE WAY - I absolutely and totally do not think it is okay to refer to mentally handicapped people as "retards", and I would never do so in real life. Nor would I insinuate that someone not mentally handicapped was acting stupid, and therefore "retarded". I truly don't mean it to be offensive; the reference really does come from a movie (Tropic Thunder) that I personally don't even like that much. Hopefully this doesn't offend anyone.**

* * *

"Ya know…I've been thinking lately," Renji offered to the comfortable silence.

Rukia snorted into her cup of tea. "That could be dangerous."

The redhead scowled at her, and then at the rest of their friends as they laughed as well. "Shut up!" he snapped. "Anyways, as – I – was – saying…something's been on my mind."

"Yes, yes, we heard you the first time," Ikkaku said disinterestedly. "What?"

"Have you decided to dye your hair a more beautiful color?" Yumichika asked quickly, unable to help himself.

Renji blinked. "What's wrong with my hair?" he demanded.

"Nothing, nothing," Yumichika said. "Only…it's just quite a brazen color, don't you think? I always thought you dyed it for attention!"

"No," Rukia supplied, "it's quite natural."

"Ah, and how would you know that, Rukia?" Rangikua asked delightfully, thrusting herself – literally, in the form of her two very large and perky breasts – into the conversation. She winked at the smaller woman. "Tell us, tell us – do the curtains match the drapes?"

"I didn't mean it like that!" Rukia said, flushing slightly; at the same time, Renji spluttered into his glass of sake, choking violently. She shot her childhood friend a withering look before clearing her throat. "I just meant that we grew up together! His hair has always been that color!"

"What a pity," Yumichika said sadly. "I think you would look lovely as a platinum blonde!"

"Uh, yeah, no thanks," Renji said. He frowned. How had they gotten so off topic? It was time to fix that! "But anyways, so I was wondering…which of the captains do you think is the strongest?"

Everyone blinked at him. And then all chaos broke loose.

"Are you fucking kidding me?" Ikkaku demanded. "The obvious answer to that question is Captain Zaraki! Are you fucking stupid, or just playing dumb?"

"Yes, yes, obviously our captain is the strongest!" Yumichika added.

Rukia barked a laugh at them. "Captain Zaraki may be strong, but he's got nothing on my big brother!" She crossed her arms over her chest. "No one is as strong as him!"

"No, no, no, my captain is the best!" Rangiku said defensively. "He's not even five feet tall and he can keep up with everyone else! That's gotta count for something, yeah?"

"Isn't everyone forgetting the obvious answer here?" Shuhei suggested, looking at everyone else as if they had each grown two heads. Everyone looked at him expectantly. "Uh, Captain Yamamoto? Fucking duh?"

"No, no, this isn't what I meant!" Renji snapped. "I meant…like objectively! Which captain is strongest?" He sighed. "They're all really damn strong, obviously, or else they wouldn't be captains. But is one just…better than the others? I'm curious!"

There was silence for a moment, as each member of the group considered an appropriate answer to the question.

"Is this what keeps you up at night, Renji?" Rangiku asked suddenly, frowning. "Because if you need something to give you better dreams or peaceful thoughts, I know a wonderful-"

"No thanks, Rangiku," Renji said shortly, remembering the last time Rangiku had tried to "medicate" him with 180 proof liquor. His liver still wasn't speaking to him.

She shrugged it off easily.

"Ok, then, objectively," Shuhei said. "I still think that's obvious. Yamamoto's got hundreds of years on everyone else, and he can fight two captains at once without even using his bankai. That's pretty fucking ridiculous."

"Yes, but his age also works against him," Yumichika said thoughtfully. "He's still as strong as ever, but everyone knows spiritual abilities falter as one ages. It's only his enormous spiritual pressure that's kept him in this physique this long. As well, everyone knows his abilities by now – he's kind of a legend. So it's easier to prepare for an attack."

"True," Shuhei conceded.

"I think considering Captain Ukitake's illness, he can't qualify," Renji pointed out.

"Hey!" Rukia said, taking offensive at the slight to her captain.

Renji held his hands up. "Geez, Rukia, no offense or anything," he said. "But when you start coughing up blood halfway through a fight, it's kinda…shit, I dunno…"

"Pathetic?" Ikkaku suggested.

"Shut up, you bald hothead!" Rukia snapped.

"What did you call me?!" the bald man in question demanded.

"B-A-L-D," Rukia said smugly. "Do I need to find you a dictionary?"

"Bitch!" Ikkaku yelled, lunging across the floor to grab her; it was only Yumichika's hand on the back of his shihakusho that kept him from making contact. "Do I need to spell that for you?! It's R-U-K-I-A!"

"Goodness," Rukia said. "I knew you never had any formal training at the academy, but you can't even _spell_?" She shook her head. "Sad."

"Go outside and cool off," Yumichika told his friend. Ikkaku opened his mouth to protest, but Yumichika just pushed him in the direction of the door. "It wasn't a suggestion!"

Fuming, and muttering under his breath, Ikkaku left the room for the moment.

"It can't be Captain Kuchiki either," Renji said suddenly.

"Renji!" Rukia said.

"He's got a point, Rukia," Shuhei said thoughtfully. "Captain Kuchiki's famous, and his abilities are amazing, but he doesn't exactly rely on brute strength, either physical or with kido. The same goes for Captain Soi Fon. They're trickier than they are truly, truly powerful. And each of their zanpaku-to's have inherent weaknesses."

"Such as?" Rukia asked, clearly not buying his argument.

"Well, Soi Fon has to hit you in the same place twice," Rangiku said. "And that's kind of difficult." She took a long drink of the sake in her hand. Or at least, she attempted to. Frowning, she stared into the glass. "Eh? I'm out already!" She turned to Shuhei – who she _knew_ would give her anything of his if she asked nicely. "Shuhei, do you have any more sake?"

"You already drank it," he said flatly.

"What?!" she cried. "When did that happen?"

"About a half an hour ago," he said. Sighing, he reached into his hakama for some money. "Here," he said, handing her some bills. "Go get some more – take Ikkaku with you, will you? Maybe he'll cool down a bit."

"Oh, he's fine," Yumichika said, waving a hang. "Ikkaku is ninety percent hot air. His anger evaporates pretty quickly."

"I heard that, you shit!"

Yumichika sighed. "Yes, his sense of hearing is quite attuned."

Rangiku took the money gleefully, giving Shuhei a bone-crushing hug. "Thanks, Shu!" she gushed. The lieutenant of ninth company blushed at the proximity to her breasts, but looked pleased nonetheless.

"It's what I do," he said smugly. She rushed out the door in the direction of the nearest alcohol vendor.

"So while she's gone, we need to throw out Captain Hitsugaya," Rukia said.

"Agreed," Yumichika said. "He's so young, all the other captains say his powers aren't fully developed. And then there's the time limit on his bankai release."

"Don't let him hear you say that," Renji muttered.

"So who does that leave?" Rukia asked.

"Captain Unohana, Captain Kyoraku, Captain Komamura, Captain Kurotsuchi, and Captain Zaraki," Yumichika said, counting them off with his fingers.

"Uh, has anyone ever seen Captain Unohana actually fight?" Renji asked.

No one replied.

"I guess…she doesn't qualify either then," Shuhei suggested. "Since no one can vouch for her power."

"True," Renji agreed. "And Captain Kyoraku is so lazy it's hard to imagine him as powerful."

"I'd rather not discuss Captain Kurotsuchi," Yumichika said, shuddering. "Such an ugly person, inside and out. Perhaps he should eat the makeup he puts on his face every day so he'd be pretty inside too."

The others laughed at his joke – which he honestly hadn't meant as one – and agreed to discount Kurotsuchi out of pure dislike.

"Besides," Shuhei added, "he doesn't really fight fair. He uses his brain and gadgets more than his own powers."

Renji, thinking back to the fight he'd witnessed between Kurotsuchi and Szayelaporro, shuddered. "You're not fucking kidding," he muttered.

"What was that?" Rangiku asked. They looked up to see her returning with Ikkaku and a bunch of bottles. She distributed them happily before taking a seat, a little closer to Shuhei than before. Meaning that she deliberately sat on top of him. He didn't seem to be protesting though, Renji noticed with a smirk. Nope – not one bit, if that shit-eating grin was any indication.

"Captains Kurotsuchi, Kyoraku, Hitsugaya, and Unohana are out," Renji replied.

"Ah, not my captain!" Rangiku said. She sighed, refilled her glass, and drank deeply. "Oh, well. I tried."

"Your dedication to your captain is endearing," Ikkaku scoffed.

"Hey, he doesn't need me to stick up for him!" Rangiku said, shrugging. "He's made that abundantly clear to me!" She pouted a bit. "I just don't get it! Why wouldn't you want me to defend you?" She looked at Shuhei. "I'm a great cheerleader!"

"Definitely," Shuhei said. From the look in his eyes, he'd agree with anything she said right now, especially if it got him laid.

Renji rolled his eyes. "Okay, okay, so that leaves Captain Zaraki and Captain Komamura."

There was silence again as everyone considered the question.

"Our captain beat Captain Komamura once," Ikkaku said. "I think that means he wins."

"Hold on, though," Rangiku said. She turned to Ikkaku, her eyes slightly out of focus. "Komamura wasn't trying to kill him! He was – _hic!_ – trying to be nice! And they got interrupted!"

"And Zaraki doesn't even know the name of his zanpaku-to," Shuhei added. "That's gotta count against him."

The friends broke out into bickering over the pro's and con's of both Zaraki and Komamura. Ikkaku and Yumichika rabidly defended their captain against Rangiku and Shuhei. Every now and then, Rukia or Renji would throw in a comment, but most of the time they were ignored.

Renji finally looked at Rukia. "I shouldn't have mentioned this," he said flatly.

Rukia didn't reply to that. Instead, she looked up at him thoughtfully. "I think I know the answer to this," she said.

He blinked. "What do you mean?"

"It was in a movie I watched with Ichigo on my last patrol!" Rukia said. "What was it now…I loved it, but it had such a weird name! Gah, I can't remember – but it's the answer!"

"What is?"

Rukia turned to the rest of their friends. "Captain Komamura may be very strong, and we've never seen his true capabilities when he intends to hurt someone," she allowed.

"But…?" Renji pressed.

She looked at the rest of them calmly. "But Captain Zaraki goes full retard."

She was met with several blank stares, not getting the reference. "It's when you go all out, way further than what a normal person would do! You're never supposed to go there!"

"Says who?" Ikkaku demanded. "What the fuck is full retard?!"

There was a groan from the doorway. Everyone looked over to see Ichigo Kurosaki standing there. He must've been dropping in for a visit, no doubt reporting on what was happening in Karakura Town.

"Rukia, how many times do I have to tell you?! Stop quoting fucking Tropic Thunder!" Ichigo snapped, stepping into the room. "It's not even funny anymore, you quote it so often!"

"But, Ichigo!"

"If I'd known you were gonna be so freaking obsessed with it, I'd have shown you something else!" he huffed, sitting down next to Renji. "Why the fuck is she talking about that movie anyways?" He paused, considering the redhead. "Do you even know what a movie is?"

Renji glared at the younger man. "Of course I do, dumbass," he snapped. "I'm not an idiot!"

"Coulda fooled me," Ichigo muttered.

"Shut up," Renji said, punching Ichigo in the shoulder a bit harder than was necessary. "We were talking about which captain was strongest."

"And?" Ichigo asked, waiting for the answer.

"Kenpachi goes full retard!" Rukia burst out, unable to resist the chance to say her favorite movie phrase.

Ichigo considered for a moment, frowned, and then nodded with a shrug. "Can't argue with that," he agreed.

"What?!" Renji demanded, not used to seeing Ichigo capitulate so quickly.

"She's right!" Ichigo snapped. "The guy's fucking nuts!"

"Full retard," Rukia nodded, taking a sip of her tea.

"Full retard," Ikkaku said thoughtfully, considering the phrase. "Huh. Full retard."

And it was so decided, amidst quite a few sake bottles and hurled insults, that Kenpachi Zaraki of the eleventh company was the strongest captain in the Soul Society.

Even if only for his ability to go full retard.

* * *

**END. Hope it's not too bad!**


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